PARDON MY FRENCH

“Luminaires”… I see this word a lot in trade magazines and old French novels.

(Yeah. Okay. I read a few old French novels when I was kid, mainly ‘cause I had to. I

really liked the parts where poor people who stole some moldy bread got their

heads chopped off.) ...Luminares. Really now. Do any good ole Americans ever use

this word? As in, “ Hello, I’d like to rent some luminaires. Do you have any

luminaires to rent? Oh, it doesn’t matter what kind as long as they’re real

luminaires. I hate fake luminaires, don’t you? Especially the ones made in foreign

countries. The people who make those kind of luminaires have no American pride

because they all live in tents and have to use the bathroom in a giant ditch… Really?

All of them?... Huh… Well, how many luminaires do you have available?...Really? Do

you have any luminaires that aren’t broken? Oh wait a minute. Can I get a discount if

your luminaires are only slightly broken? I’m pretty good at fixing broken

luminaires...Oh, it’s not that hard really. Once you’ve seen inside one luminaire, you

know just the right parts to bang on or jiggle to fix any luminaire. Oh, by the way, do

your luminaires come with spare bulbs? I might need some spare luminaire bulbs

for my luminaires because I won’t know how long the luminaire bulbs in your

luminaires have been in use… What’s that you say? Lamps? Call them lamps? Why?

What’s the difference? Does it matter to the luminaire? Do luminaires care what it’s

called? Are they really that snooty? I thought that was just an old stereotype. Are

luminaires less rude and function better when their light bulb has been installed as

a lamp?

On second thought… Why don’t you show me the few luminaires you have that

aren’t broken? I don’t really feel like fixing any luminaires today. I don’t even care if

I don’t get the broken luminaire discount. I’m sure the luminaires you rent me will

probably break when I’m using them anyway, and you will have to have your

luminaire tech spend a lot of time on these rental luminaires when they get back in

the shop, because I have a distinct feeling that most of the luminaire parts in these

luminaires will be slightly broken or missing. (Not really enough to tell they’re

broken. But broken enough so that the luminaire gobos have disappeared and the

bulb, I mean lamp, has melted .) In fact, I think you will have to totally strip down

the luminaires so that you can find out all of the luminaire parts that are missing.

Make sure you have a large section of your shop completely empty so all the

luminaire parts can be laid out and inventoried too. It’s very impressive when you

see how many parts it takes to make a luminaire. Many luminaire parts are very

difficult to get because they have to be transported by steamboats.”

Or…Next time you’re on show site, try this. “Hey stage hand. That luminaire you’re

hanging needs to go the other direction. It’s even written on the plot… What? Yeah.

It’s that big piece of paper with all the luminaires on it. Did you not read where it

says ‘please hang all MAC luminaires so that the luminaire arrows are all pointing at

the stage.’? That way, I can be assured that all my luminaires will be able to pan and

tilt in the same direction without having to flip the luminaire pan and tilt… Yes, I

know I can do it from the console, but the luminaires just feel so much better when

they are all pointing in the same direction. Luminaires hate to be different. It’s a

cultural thing that goes all the way back to the dark ages. There weren’t any

luminaires back then. There were just lights made out of pigs or something.

I want my luminaires to be happy. A happy luminaire is much more than just a unit

or a fixture; it’s as American as The Statue of Liberty. “