Lighting Designer Trips Over Coffee Cup. Falls Into Sound Guy and Kills Him: body not discovered until two days later.

LD says he “real sorry” and finds coffee cup under road case, but the body was not officially discovered until two days later when some stagehands complained of an odor that smelled like somebody had farted into an old tire. After a brief interview with the stagehands that first smelled it, we discovered that most of them were unable to talk to us without slobbering all over our note pads: “Yep. Sorry about the slobber, but we’re not used to dealing with real people.” He went on to say: “Yep. We finally turned off the hazer fans after two straight days, and then it hit us. Whew! We followed the odor to the mixing board and the sound guy was just laying there. Just like he always did. Only this time we noticed he wasn’t sweating as much.” There will be no funeral service because he was greatly disliked and a memorial service for him would be ridiculous.

State of Indiana Finally Sues Itself For Tragic Stage Collapse of 2011…

“We had no choice,” said some guy standing on the capitol steps. “I mean, everybody was yelling and screaming at us about safety and stuff, so we had to do something, right? It’s a win-win for us. If we lose, we’ll only have to pay ourselves.”  It was later learned from a very reliable source, that this same guy was seen sitting in a bar somewhere and he was saying something about how “those worthless stagehands should get a real job anyway, so it’s really no great loss, is it?” He reportedly kind of slurred that last part though, so it sounded more like “floss.” Yes. He said it was no great floss. Another unknown source, who chose not to be identified, but, we have it from another reliable source, a different one though, with good information that may not be as reliable as the first one, BUT who insists that he is informed and is very close to the politician, oops, I mean “guy,” …and he said the little slur was understandable because the guy had always been concerned about dental hygiene, especially for the poor children. The guy, who swore he is not a politician, went on to say that he hopes that one day the poor kids with rotting teeth will all have access to free dental care so they won’t turn into juvenile delinquents and drug addicts like their parents. He continued his drunken slurring...”Once this lawsoop is over, somebody will have waste a lot of times and paid those schtinkin lawyers a lots of moneys to insure that nothing will ever ever change, and that being a stagehand will always be a schtupid job, and that free dental care for all the cutes little degenerate kids will have to be taken care of by the public schools, because it’s all their fault anyway.”

Italy--Sharpy Factory Burns Down: Authorities say no more live music events possible for a long time. Except for bagpipe concerts…

According to the factory owner: “A very sad day… I got out of there in such a hurry that I think I left my I-pad sitting on the desk. I hope it didn’t burn up too.”  Of course, he said all this in Italian, so we didn’t understand a word of it.

LED’s Explode For No Apparent Reason: make a big mess all over the stage…

One informed source, who was sweeping the stage, said, “can you believe this freakin’ mess? It was only a matter of time, you know? There definitely needs to be more testing and safety courses so that these things can be used properly! I mean, look at all this glass on the floor. I’m glad I was busy trying to be safe by throwing some flimsy carpet over cable runs that I had absolutely nothing to do with the exploding LED’s…Nothing at all. And I’m pretty sure I didn’t plug them into that 480v. service either. Yeah. We’re also lucky the band was doing something in their trailer, otherwise, somebody might have gotten some of these dangerous glass shards stuck in their hair, you know? This would never have happened if there was more testing to make sure they wouldn’t explode for no reason.” When we later asked a famous lighting scientist about it, the scientist said: “Yes, the danger of LED spontaneous combustion is a little known and well hidden fact…hidden by all the giant, mean, foreign corporations that are robbing the American economy of low paying jobs! I think those idiot stagehands must have grabbed those particular LED’s out of the ‘Do Not Use Because These Were Made in China and China Hates Us’ box. Those boxes show up on every show but they should never be there! They should all be dumped in a landfill somewhere, where they can’t hurt anybody.”  Later, when the scientist was asked about all this by the special Federal LED/Landfill crime investigator, he took it all back because he didn’t want to get anybody trouble.

Camera Operator Gets Drunk During Show and Falls Off Stool: blames his mother…

“I thought I was concealing it pretty well,” he said later. “But…good thing I was wearing my digital safety harness. My headset almost yanked my ear off though. In fact, it’s still bleeding. See? Wanna touch it?”

Rolling Stones-- Keith Richards' Face Finally Wrinkles Itself Into Weird Banana Shape: other band members report difficulty peeing …

The 109 year old, or whatever, finally admitted that 5 packs of cigarettes a day and a gallon of whiskey probably had something to do with it. Only when he said it, his tongue was kind of banana curled,so it sounded more like, “f#ck you. I’m rich.”