1. I’d like to be “thrown under the bus” more often. (Even though I hate that phrase

and most people don’t want to be thrown there.) All it means to me is that I’ll be

thrown in with the luggage. That wouldn’t be so awful. When’s the last time you

actually rode a public bus? My last time I had to sit next to a guy who kept trying to

make animal shapes with his tongue. He loved lizards. So go ahead, throw me under

the bus. At least I won’t get slobbered on.

2. I want somebody to invent a new light board that doesn’t take 23 minutes to

boot up and only does what I want it do, even when my fat fingers make it do

something else. I also want a cup holder and fat finger alarm.

3. I want a video guy to explain, so even I can understand it, why my beautiful

lavender cyc has a crappy blue look on video. I also want to know why video guys

can’t understand that sometimes people on stage really need to be dark and uneven,

because their HD skin has the texture of old shoes.

4. I want dumpsters to be placed somewhere far, far away from loading docks.

And never contain anything with eggs in it. In addition, these dumpsters must have

special valves that trap any odor that makes your nose explode.

5. I want the show producer, who thinks my VL3500’s are too big and expensive, to

fall down, twist his neck, and lose all sense of vocal control. Every time he says

“budget” it will sound like “rub it.” I want him to be fired for lewd conduct.

6. I don’t want to “think outside the box” anymore. The last time I did that, I

thought my box was outside, but it really wasn’t. My box was inside the box I was

trying to think outside of and I got very confused. When I tried to locate the proper

box to think outside of, I became aware that all the boxes contained so many packing

peanuts that I couldn’t even see the box that I was supposed to be thinking outside

of. I ran from box to box, trying to think as much as possible, to no avail. Instead of

important stuff, I kept thinking about good looking small women, wearing very tight

jeans, driving large pick up trucks. It’s amazing how much I think about stuff like

that, especially when I can’t even locate the proper boxes to think outside of. Why do

I even need a box to think about stuff like that? The more I thought about thinking

outside the boxes, the more confused I got. I eventually died and was put in a pine

box, shipped to Australia in a container box, and put on display in the Cardboard

Box Hall of Fame.

7. I don’t want to be “edgy” anymore. I’m not even sure what edgy means. I think

Lady Gaga might be edgy and her name sounds like something my dog barfed up.

8. I want all talent and producers to say “please, thank you, and don’t worry about

how much it cost.” I would also like to see pigs fly through a frozen hell while

holding up a sign that says “bacon doesn’t taste that good.”

9. I would like for all technology, except potato chip design, to stop advancing for

about three days so I can briefly think that I’m not so stupid.

10. After three days has passed, I want to continue to think that I’m not stupid, but

I’ll realize that it’s stupid to think that way, because I’m too stupid to understand

that my stupidity will increase as technology advances. I really want to accept that,

but I think I’d just prefer to doodle on my guitar and organize my stupid shot glass

collection.